One of my religious conundrums

When I was a child attending communion service at our church, there was a conundrum repeated every Sunday, fundamentally testifying to the fact that "we are not worthy so much as to gather up the crumbs under thy table" – which seemed in opposition to another repeated fact that "we are made in the image of God." I never questioned the dichotomy, because everyone else seemed to accommodate the conflicting concepts easily. I assumed, as usual, that somehow it made sense, and I was just too dense to get it.

But it always bothered me, as I mumbled my way through the words.

Many years later, during one of the Power of Self Esteem courses of the More To Life Program, it all
clicked into place for me – which may not be the way it clicks into place for theologians. But what made sense for me is that innately, I am a Child of God, as is everyone else. Everyone seems to agree with that part. However, when I behave incongruously with that premise, then I betray the gift God gave me to be, and I act as if I am "unworthy so much as to gather up the crumbs under thy table."

Back in the '80's and '90's, when the More To Life program was doing weekends at Bastrop Federal Correctional Institution, I remember, tears rolling down my face, as 112 medium-high security inmates disavowed being "criminals" and consciously avowed being a "Child of God" – their words, not ours. It rammed home the conviction that when I believe lies about myself, I distort the gift God gave me to be and exonerate any inexcusable behavior. And when I behave in right relationship to my heart, then I am contributing my part of the whole in the world. 

Believing lies (I don't belong, am unworthy, not good enough, have to prove, etc.) can only lead to self indulgence and disrespect for myself and for others (who let me get away with it). Owning the Truth about myself requires radical responsibility for my behavior, which can be a bit tiresome. But ultimately, it's just too dang much work not to be mySELF.  There just isn't as much to lose as I thought, and WAY too much to lose not to be mySELF.

When I remember who I am, I eat from the spiritual banquet of plenty, as a Child of God. When I forget, I act as if I am unworthy so much as to gather up the crumbs under thy table. Today, being grateful for my life and my family and my work, I am fulfilled.