Another Round with an Old Belief

My respect for my mind’s ability to tie me up in knots
greatly increased the other day. I had
become self-congratulatory about my ability to catch my reactivity (an
inevitable invitation for life to extend yet another opportunity for me to experience
humility).

Here’s what happened. I have a discipline about doing a particular
set of breathing exercises every day. These exercises work best if done on an empty stomach. Then two lifeshocks (see previous post for explanation): a "dry" swallow (mega-thirsty); and “3:37” (pm) on the clock. I
hadn’t eaten or drunk anything all day. Not only was I thirsty, I was also angry. I was at war with myself, and it went something like this:

“you have to do your exercises!
    "Nobody’s the
boss of ME, you can’t make me do the exercises!"
"you can’t eat/drink until after
you do your exercises!
    "If I do my
exercises, I’m a sheep, just following orders – Your Orders!"
"If you don’t do your
exercises, you’ll starve to death.
    "I’d
rather starve than be a sheep, therefore I can’t eat/drink.”

Now this may seem rather bizarre to you, it is even to me. However, it was going on beneath the level of my awareness, but it was governing my behavior! When I noticed I was angry was when I realized that I had missed something. It was the clearing process (More to Life Program) that revealed the extent to which my mind will go
to maintain an old pattern. And, Yes, I still have issues with being told what to do – I now call them "unilateral decisions that affect my life, which are made by others without my input" – but, bottom line, it’s about not having choice. As you can imagine, the basis for this stuck pattern was rooted in my childhood (eldest of 8). Once I started clearing out the old beliefs and decisions from my early years, and started telling the truth, then I got my Freedom back and was able to make some sane choices and proceed more rationally with my life. It opened the space for me to refine my disciplines to support myself more gracefully. Living Life as IT IS, not how I believed it to be. How exciting is that?