Worrying about your children = Cursing them

In the parenting workshop this last weekend, one of the issues that came up was the tendency of parents to worry about their children – are they being careful enough? are they mature enough to handle their next step? are they heading in the right direction? will they get into drugs? will their new friends be good for them? are they going to graduate?  – and much, much more. If we were curious, we would not be worrying. And when we are worrying like that, the answer to all the above questions is, "No, I doubt a good outcome. I have no faith this will turn out well."

When we looked at the underground message, the participants understood that when their parents worried about them, they assumed that their parents didn't trust them, didn't think they would make it or be successful. So the 'all-knowing' parents unwittingly undermined their kids' confidence, concerned that it's going to come out badly. How many times have we, intending to be good parents, said to our children, "Be Careful!" … and in a worried tone?

Remember what that was like for you. Someone who loves you, is supposed to be 'for' you, and yet thinks that you haven't got what it takes to be successful in some endeavor, or doesn't think can manage your current situation? Fundamentally, the meta-communication is – "I don't have confidence in you. You're either going to get hurt or screw up." That is a curse. (Thank you, Yachin Yang for putting it together like that.)

And that IS the parental dilemma: is this kid mature enough (physically, mentally, emotionally) to handle this situation?  It IS my responsibility as a parent to protect her and to empower her in her unique journey. There are 3 ways forward, the way I see it:

1. If I absolutely don't think my child is mature enough, I say 'no.' Period. No discussion. No amount of whining, pleading, begging, threatening is going to change my mind. I am clear, not mad, not punishing – clear! (eg, Rebecca really wanted to go with her friends to a huge, multi-level shopping mall, noted for its parking-lot rapes and muggings. She was 8 years old. No way.)

2. If I am absolutely sure my child IS mature enough, then I trust her taking that next step, and I trust my judgment about it. We are also likely to have had a conversation prior to my 'yes' – about her purpose and how to make it all work. (eg, At 15, Rebecca was on the varsity basketball team and wanted a "special case early driving license" that would enable her to drive to and from the games. I agreed. She had excellent grades, was an excellent driver, and was all-around responsible. We also had agreements about times, not eating and driving, etc.)

3. If I am not sure, we have a talk: what's the purpose? what's going on? share my concerns/fears. If she blows me off, I say 'no;' if she can square away the doubts *I* have, I say 'yes.' This gives me the satisfaction of turning her loose into the world, with some reality testing. It empowers her to go for what she wants and negotiate her way – even if her way is delayed a bit in order to get more data to satisfy my concerns. And the big piece for me is that we are working on this together.

This way takes more time on the front end, less agony on the back end.

Or, I could say, "Yeah, I guess so." And then worry about her screwing up in some way – basically undermining her confidence, unintentionally cursing her. Even if I don't say it in words, she gets it.

I've done both. I prefer the former. And any way I go, there is still no guarantee that only good things will happen. There never is. I just take the best shots I can at the time and keep course-correcting..