Surrendering
Webster's defines surrendering as – “giving oneself up into the power of another.” Yep … still scary! My stomach tightened slightly just reading that definition – an automatic, knee-jerk reaction. Surrendering is never automatic, it is always a choice – a conscious choice.
In my past, I have often confused surrendering with abdicating- the abdication of my power to someone else, starting with my parents. Abdication has run through most of my significant relationships with men and with people who I considered had some sway over my life. And I don't like that experience of abdication. I so rarely do that these days, and I so much like who I am when I am fully myself. This stand did not come easy, and it is a stand, made long ago, that I return to over and over again.
When I'm fully myself, I am in the position of truly surrendering. It seems to be an oxymoron, but it's not. The more I am, the more I offer. It’s actually amazingly freeing, cuz I know I really have nothing to lose and an experience to gain.
It’s easy for me to surrender to my 3-year-old granddaughter, Hayleigh. Without losing one ounce of my power or accountability, we often play ‘her game, her rules (chameleon though they be).” It invariably happens in my professional life. One company asked me to be the keynote speaker, addressing self-confidence in the workplace, during their big luncheon. I totally surrendered to their need and told them I wasn’t that person. In order to present something that would really be useful to them, I would need a minimum of 4 hours, not interrupted by a meal. And it sounded like what they wanted was someone who would entertain them about self-confidence during their luncheon. And I gave them some suggestions. A day later they called me back and gave me 4 hours, which included a tea break.
Other times it's Way more difficult to surrender, and usually what makes it hard is my demand that Life guarantee some assurance that Life will be in alignment with My Version of How It Should Be. The bigger my demand, the less chance of my surrendering into faith… faith that All is Well in the long run.
When Rebecca was first driving, we would have arguments right before she left the house. Finally, she said, "Mom, what's your deal?" When I stopped and thought about it, I realized that I was mad at her, because I felt scared each time she drove away. "All those crack-heads, drunks, and other miscreants" didn't value her life like I did, and there was no way I was going to surrender her life to the vagaries of high-density road mayhem in Houston, TX. When I realized that I couldn't keep her safe at home forever, I let her go – both to the streets of Houston and to God … one of my biggest acts of surrender, trusting her to have the experiences she (and I) were going to have, whatever they were. My choice was to deal with whatever happened with as much love and clarity as possible.
Surrendering IS a relationship … a relationship with How-It-Is-Now, or, better said, How-It-Really-Is-Now – HIRIN, for short. It seems to me that I am a part of HIRIN – for real, forever (since matter is neither created nor destroyed). I don’t get to pick what happens, so I surrender to that more vast intelligence – exactly like a team player, who trusts the coach, agrees to play, is willing to practice, has no idea how the game will go or turn out, has no control over the behavior of Any others (including the coach), can’t choose the time, the place, the weather or the travel mode; knowing the game is subject to change, without notice; but who’s IN the game, applying the full extent of their skills and experience.
I surrender to HIRIN. I’m IN. Are you?
And the feeling of surrender..for me once it’s done there’s an out- breath…and then it’s a feeling of floating, like in a pool of warm water, outside, with my face turned up and the sun on my face and my arms wide open, everything open, floating.
I am HIRIN. To me those experiences are a testament to my belief that everything happens for a reason. The truth for me is when I am HIRIN, I experience and truly live. Thats what I want from life. The living part. We as individuals are integral parts of the whole. Offering ourselves up to that whole in a surrendering mode allows us, gifts us, to be a part of a greater consciousness.
And thats what gives me the smile in the morning. I love that! I don’t always accomplish that, but when I do, I feel shiny.
ah …
as I was led to old writings in my old computer I came across one of my favorites postings from the LifeGame program, created by Brad and his wonderful team of senior trainers such as Ann Mc, back in 2000…
It was about brighligts of connection and learnings at different levels of experiencing…
One of my favorites I called “Power of the Spirit”, whch I decided to repost here…
trusting the surrendering point ignited in my soul …
moving me forward …
into new creations and possibilities …
and there it is …
in gratitude for one of my most powerful teacher, healer and friend – Ann Mc…
Thank you Ann MC …
I luv you
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Dear Gameplayers,
I have been stuck in my fear…in my frozen self… in my little me…I hear you at some level and I see you through my heart but my body feels like a truck has run over it… it needs time out…so that whatever is there can come through in my stillness… and I can move through it…
It reminds of a recent dream where I was in this long and white sand dunes beach learning from a teacher I kept running away from… until we met in a dune of white sand and there, we wrestled, as if entangled in a life death struggle and then I heard my voice shouting over and over at my teacher ” I am so angry at you…”
until I broke into deep sobs where I became aware of the depth of the sand dunes underneath my feet and my infinite aloneness…
then I saw this distressed child who kept crying while being held by the teacher… I took the child in my arms, calmed her down and together we walked downstairs towards the basement – me, the teacher and this child I knew so little about but felt so deeply connected to in the world of the spirit…
My baby capuchin monkey has been very sick and for the last 5 days I am holding her and praying and doing what I know to pull her through… day and night…with terror griping me from time to time…
I want you to know that I truly appreciate the love and caring being shared as it is so strong no shield can keep it away…
Some of the gameplayers have written privately asking me how do I see God’s presence in our lives.
Somehow that question and the events that took place in the last couple of days took me back to Hawaii, two years ago where I went to learn cranial sacral therapy.
The teachings took place in an old catholic orphanage surrounded by beautiful gardens…A statue of an angel holding a child caught my attention and I sat in front of it… for a while not knowing what it was about…and an old poem I had forgotten came to my memory which keeps coming up in my life…
” I met a child who stopped at a glance and looking into my
darkened eye in disbelief and fear said “Why have you
forgotten to dance?
The universe is sounding. Just be awake, alive and hear!”
As the course ended I realized I would share one night with another 4 women and the final night I would be totally alone (the house of the nuns was a distance away and the doors in the orphanage could not be closed)…
The night I shared with the other women was filled with laughter, sharing and connecting as they all come to my bedroom and we just laughed about topics women like to talk about…in a light and refreshing way… almost like little girls…
As they left, terror gripped me… the orphanage was an old mansion with 3 levels, there were rats somewhere as I had seen some… one had even jumped into my bed…and I could not close the doors of the orphanage …
I decided to move to one of the cottages, now empty where I would be “safe” as I would be able to close the door…
Then I went to see the nuns to enquiry about transport for the next day…
The nun who opened the door seem to be in her late 80’s… extremely delicate and beautiful…
suddenly, out of the blue she said “That place where you are is filled with holy sisters… I still see them when the children were taken away from them… I see their pain as the children held onto their legs…”
I looked at her, her eyes filled with tears…
I had no words…
just felt this immense love for this beautiful delicate being… and grateful for her sharing of the heart…
As I left I said to God ” God what are you saying? That I must spend the night in the orphanage? Forget it…I can’t… I am too afraid… I just can’t… period!… ”
Yet the image of this exquisite nun, her memory of holy sisters and the spirit of the orphan children was calling me to say YES… to what, I had no clue… but I found myself saying ” Ok God I will do it even if I feel terror in my heart … I TRUST YOU!”
A very kind young girl from Hawaii who had also done the course came to fetch me to see Hawaii…
in the process I found a cassette called Songs for the inner child, by Shaina Noll (I had never heard before), a beautiful blue sarong (?) a statuette of a woman’s body in a shape of a heart and a beautiful moon stone I wear today…
The night arrived and I found myself packing the suitcase to go to the cottage… the fear’s grip was too strong… as it was my will to keep my agreement with God… and so I unpacked my suitcase… again…
As I explored the orphanage I found this beautiful chapel… all for myself… for the whole night…
I was filled with wonder… and at one point it was as if the holy sisters were holding me in their kindness and I could hear the children’s crying through the walls…calling my name…
I cannot describe in words what it was like… this closeness with the spirit…
I went out to the garden to get some time out…
and there in front of me, in front of the door was the statue of Christ with arms stretched as if saying
“COME TO ME WITH EMPTY HANDS AND I SHALL FILL THEM WITH GRACE AND GIFTS”…
I took off my clothes and went onto my knees and said ” God please take care of me… I am so afraid…”
As I said it, a strong breeze of wind and rain (it had been raining lightly) touched my body as if God was saying “I am with you…”
I went back inside the orphanage and found myself picking up my little cassette player and the songs for the inner child cassette, the statuette of the woman with a body in a shape of a heart, and covering my body with the sarong (?) I went to the chapel…
I placed the heart shaped woman in the center of the altar and I danced …
I danced naked with the holy sisters the whole night…
I danced with the orphan children…
I danced with God…
And I can still hear the words I danced over and over around the altar, in my nakedness
My sweet sweet child
Who do you think you are
You are a child of God
And that will never change
You had a dream
You misunderstood
You thought you were separate
But now you can hear my voice
You are my one creation
You are eternity
Peace be with you, my dear one
Peace be with you, precious child
Angels hover all about you
They protect you day and night
and they will guide you on your way
to the land of your soul
God is with you, my dear one
God is with you my precious child
You are blessed and you are holy
You are an angel I can see
Thank you for being there, for being with me, in my being human, in my “stuckeness”, in my moving through and specially to you AnnMc , my beautiful friend of my soul…
so much of who I am today is your creation I wish I could give it back to you somehow…
and fill you with the grace and the majesty you have offered me… with its full package, just as it is… nothing to be added, nothing to be taken away…
as well as to all the beautiful souls you have surrounded yourself with, in the same way…
I am eternally grateful to you…
and to the power of the spirit we have shared…
which reminded me of my naked dance with the holy sisters of the orphanage and my dance with God…