Speaking Up – Part 6 – Conscious Choice
There we were, five senior trainers gathered around the table during a dinner break at Way of a Warrior. One of the trainers was heatedly focusing on Mary (alias). It was heat that was actually meant for all of us. I thought some of the heat was right on, and some was off the mark. I kept my mouth shut, requiring great personal resolve.
Later, I talked to Mary and apologized for not speaking up, for not sharing the heat. When she asked me why, I told her that I could feel the escalation of my outrage, that I was on the verge of standing up, screaming obscenities, and walking out … forever. So I actually clamped my teeth together.
In my past, every time I walked out, I never returned. I didn't want to do that this time. Even more importantly, I did not want to make a decision that important to me while in a state of reactivity – high reactivity. So I didn't speak up, out of fear.
So there were the two examples – someone speaking up, someone not – both mired in fear. Did we get through it? Of course! We worked out what the fears were, and how we could address them as a team. And we did.
Moral of the story: even though it was a rough passage, we navigated our way to a deeper truth – which would not have happened had the person with the heat not spoken up, nor would it have happened if I had walked out in fury. Could it have been more graceful? Yes! Over time, we all got more graceful in dealing with heat – our own heat and the heat of others. And we're still working on it. Ah, the journey!
Dear Ann
I am an avid reader of your blog; and it thrills me no doubt to read the reflections and wisdoms imparted here. Thanks to my darling friend Shabashni in Durban for the invitation to glance at these… and to you for your open-heartedness. I have been following the speaking up series and this one in particular, speaks volumes to me: the engagement of heat and silence/ both our own and that of others… as well as the billowing resentment that may be an outcome of such encounters. I asked myself very recently, how it is that I retreated into silence in the face of being persecuted (an invitation to tell my truth!) when I consider myself articulate in so many other dimensions of my (professional) life. And I struggled to figure out whether or not my silence served me or added to my feeling immobilised. I wonder if there is a pattern that we are meant to be drawing on here?
With appreciation..
Shafinaaz
South Africa
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