Rules and Belonging

This is personally important to me because of my confusion growing up – there were only rules. Rules mostly dictated by my father, culture, gender, etc. Obeying the rules granted the illusion of belonging, while I chafed under rules that either didn't apply to me, or seemed arbitrary, or out of alignment with the best in me.

I often rebelled covertly, so as not to incur the feared backlash that would be generated by obvious rebellion – being cast out. For instance, there was a general rule that forbade us to go down to the Bayou. No reasons were given (or none that made sense to me at the time). Of course, I went down there on my bike with other kindred spirits, and we saw nothing dangerous – in fact, it was a lot of fun, exciting and wild – lots to explore. We did have someone shoot a shotgun at us once, but that was the only time anything happened that could remotely be considered dangerous. And we went there a lot – before and after the shotgun incident.

I satisfied my innate curiosity, but I couldn't share my excitement with my parents about the shotgun or any of our adventures. My deceit resulted in pulling back (so as not to accidentally spill the beans); ergo, I separated myself from the family and reinforced an old belief about not belonging.

I didn't know how to language it at the time, but my dilemma was to either obey the rules (the senseless ones) in order to be accepted – and suffer the loss of my self-determination … or … disobey the rules (the senseless ones) in order to find my own way (experience my adventurous spirit) – and suffer the loss of my integrity.

What I have learned/am learning is how to address those senseless rules with integrity – straight-up, instead of covert … a challenge worthy of a spiritual warrior.