Loss of Innocence
With the help of my new friend, Mary Anne Casey, it seems my shoulder injury began around the age of 3 with a traumatic physical injury. The physical injury was minimal compared to the loss of my innocence, the loss of my loving, trustworthy world.
All the times since then that I was betrayed, lied to, thrown under the bus as a scapegoat, excluded, wrongfully accused and convicted by those I thought cared about me, cheated on by my significant other, had the parameters of my life changed without any input from me … each time was another loss of my trust in the exterior world.
That loss was not grieved. I opted for anger or just moved on, somaticizing the hurt. From the outside, my life looked highly functional. From the inside, there was true loneliness … my most vulnerable parts sequestered, protected from the unpredictability of the world. Imprisoned … currently manifesting as shoulder pain – mimicking my emotional pain/limitations. I’m now ready and awake enough to address the message, heal the past … and my shoulder.
My homework was to allow those betrayals to surface, to grieve the loss of my innocent trust in people, in situations, and even my body (4 surgeries in the last 1.5 years).
The second part is to forgive all trespasses, including the part I played – withdrawing into my hurt, separating myself from faith in myself and in life.
My plan for 2017 … live life fully, hold nothing back, including my vulnerability, my love, and my pain – wielding the Sword of Truth gently – to free myself and others.
PS Happy Birthday, Bill Boothe, my BFF for 37 years!
Thank you Ann for illuminating so clearly that lack of trust sensation —- that the world can not be trusted – that anything could happen – that i sometimes still experience from my own childhood trauma at 5.
It seems that the older I get, the more of the older stuff is ready to be cleaned out. My current question to myself these days is, “Now what?” And whatever is next, I’m IN. (sometimes my “I’m in” takes a bit of time to get to … 🙂
This is beautiful, Anne. That early loss of innocence – and accompanying unexpressed anger – resonates with me and I’m sure with others. Much love to you, and blessings on your 2017 plan. I’m imagining what may lie beyond the work you’re going to be doing this year with excitement for you!
Thank you, Maggi- Lifeshocks RULE! LOL
If I don’t get the little ones, life loves me enough to up the ante! I’m excited about all the gifts of 2017 for all of us!
Hmmm… I’m wondering if my back pain could be related to trauma at age 3. Thanks for the LS, Ann. Heal well!
I was reading a book by Dr. Soros (?) … famous back surgeon – The Divided Mind is the name of the book. He no longer does surgery, he works with people’s anger … and their back and joint pain goes away … very interesting. The body-mind connection rules! You know of miracles people have had regarding their health – just by attending the More To Life Weekend or MTL courses. and YES, I’ll bet your back has a connection to something that’s “off” in your mind. We could talk ….
I feel shivery with the serendipity of your blog arriving and my exposure to something similar with simply taking the courage and momentary “yes” to a lifeshock. Sarah looked at me with a look that I immediately, instantaneously created fear and anger from all the losses of innocence that I have not rengaged with. I let them run through me now and opened the opportunity to undo and create the adult responses that I couldn’t do when I was 5, 7, 9, 11, 13 and …….
The spirit of confession, self acceptance, love and empowerment all then flowed through me and I have taken one more step into my manhood and adult joy. Thank you life, thank you mentorship and support, thank you joy re emerging in me. Amen, Brother. ❤️
Amen, Brother! Your dedication to being “awake” is evoking for me to do the same!
I’m all in and willing to heal the past….sometimes I’m just not sure how to do it
It’s time for your voice! Remember the transderivation process you learned at Way of a Warrior? That’s the ticket!
I love this one too! You are teaching me so much about vulnerability lately. The more I get to know you and the more vulnerability I see you share, the easier and easier it has become for me to show my own vulnerability without any fear.
It’s so funny how that works. For so long I’ve unleashed my black panther and used anger as a defense mechanism. I thought putting those walls up, was protecting me from showing my vulnerability and getting hurt. However, I’m seeing and understanding more each day, when I let down those walls and show my own vulnerability others feel safe to show there’s in return.
Oddly enough, my favorite quote since college has been this one:
“Love is not love until love’s vulnerable.”
-Theodore Roethke
That is my goal and commitment in 2017. To continue to let down my walls and show my vulnerability in love.
Thank you for being my path mate on this awesome journey!
I like that quote …. I think it’s Way True!
Thanks Ann. Your 2017 is set to be rich and wonderful as your heart. i miss you. lots of love. 🙂
I miss you too. Thank you for posting on FB … I don’t look often, but I enjoy seeing the pics of you and your family.
Out of my shell and into reality with tears……………. usually what happens when I encounter what you share. I love you dearly. Happy New Year …Best to you as you hold NOTHING back. Thank YOU !
Let’s hold NOTHING back – together … this year! See what happens!
Annie Mac….well here we are old friend….both reading Soros at the same juncture. Love you and love this life mastery course we’re in together.
In complete gratitude for your courage and brilliance, my friend.
We’ve been on parallel paths headed in the same direction … then on the same path …. then headed the same way on parallel paths yet again. I’m guessing we are not done with each other!