Boundaries vs Walls
This last weekend, I was in Knoxville, Tennessee, training a More To Life course called Behold the Spirit! The course itself is supportive and instructive for those wanting to lead a purposefully spiritual life in an everyday way. And in this particular course, an old theme surfaced about being present and 'for' others, while not losing yourself in the process.
It reminded me of a friend of mine who I love dearly, and who also happens to be an alcoholic. He is a happy drunk, until he passes a certain consumption level. Having been on the receiving end of several of his abusive episodes, I decided to cut him out of my life – creating a protective wall between me and him. And of course, several of the bricks in that wall were resentments against him for ruining our friendship – labeling him as weak, self-destructive, and uncaring about anyone or anything – preferring the numbness of alcohol over his connection with me and others. Other bricks looked like judging him as 'less' than me – less evolved, less mature, less disciplined (the list was long and familiar – and similarly applied to others). Other bricks in that wall looked like blaming him for the wall I created; the private glee of being able to tell my stories of how meanly I was treated; how justified I was to cut him out of my life – getting to be both the victim and the hero that eventually triumphed by banishing the bad guy.
That lasted awhile until I had enough of my self righteousness – a whole vein, or rather an aorta of self righteousness was exposed by a series of events. I realized that I don't want to cut off people I care about. I don't want to be someone who creates private wars and power games, pumping myself up at the expense of someone else. In the end, I lose respect for myself, because my behavior is a betrayal of Who I Am. AND, I don't want to be treated disrespectfully by others either.
So I employed my amazing bio-computer to figure a way through the dichotomy of being friends with someone I love, who is also an alcoholic; while, at the same time, having a boundary that was honoring of myself. Here's what I did. I told the person how much I cared about him, and that, when he was drinking, I would not share my dreams or my concerns with him, cuz the alcohol interfered with him valuing my vulnerability. I also let him know that if he ever patronized me, stopped the two-way street, or impugned my value, I would leave – until he was himself again.
That boundary more clearly defined who I am and allowed me to love him just as he was – without demanding he be different or quit drinking – to feel compassion for his illness and not collude with the disease.
When I reminded myself of who he is and who I am, I realized that he lost respect for ME when I allowed him to behave offensively towards me. He expected me, as a good friend, to hold him to his Best Self. I also realized that I aided his loss of respect for himself by allowing his 'bad' behavior. When he sobered up, he would remember what he did and beat himself up about it, and want alcohol to numb out again. So in the end, I unintentionally made it easier for him to drink (not causing him to drink).
After that, he rarely exhibited that abusive behavior towards me. My part of the deal was to follow through on my promise to leave – which I did. I think it was a test to see if I meant what I said.
