The Bald Truth – about others

Know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free.  Yes … in concept, but I have my exceptions.

The concept says: If I know the truth about other people, then I will feel free – easy with them, able to honor their being, while still honoring my being. No problem…except, of course, if they make unilateral decisions that affect my life without any input from me, or don't meet my expectations, or cross me in some way, or …, or …, or….

Mostly when I am disconnected from others, it is because I am as unforgiving of them as I am of myself. Here's how it works. One of my biggest pet peeves is anyone making some kind of a change that affects My Life when they haven't even checked with me about their decision. And it happens all the time. Whose idea was it to get me out of bed an hour earlier from spring to autumn? And how did they get that power over my life without my say-so? I never agreed to daylight savings time, and yet I still have to live with it … grrrrrrr. Maybe this all started with my family moving so much when I was younger. I was never consulted, and yet I was required to live with their decisions over and over.

Here's where the Truth really sets me free. When I'm upset because someone made a unilateral decision (or whatever behavior or personality trait I'm upset about), I know to look for how I am replicating that same behavior or personality trait to myself. So if unilateral decisions are my issue, where am I making unilateral decisions without checking with mySELF. Example from yesterday: I have a discipline about going to the gym on Mon-Wed-Fri. I have re-ordered my calendar to accommodate that. Yesterday, several important, unplanned telephone calls required my attention, as well as generating some work. So I blithely carried on, moving my gym time later and later in the day, until I decided it was too late. Normal behavior. Then I got mad at myself for not taking fundamental care of my own body. None of that newly generated work had to be done That Day. But I didn't even check in with myself to see if it was really a higher priority than my workout. I just got driven to tick things off my list…and left my commitment to myself in the dust…which is exactly what I don't like others doing to me.

Corollary: If 'they' are doing it to me, and I'm doing it to me, then you can bet I'm doing it to others as well.  Example: I have been known to volunteer William, my business partner, for freebies – without consulting him first. For some quixotic reason, I consider that to be OK. Fortunately, he generally IS ok about me doing that. (But if he were to do that to me, I'm not likely to be as generous as he is.) I know, it's not fair. I agree. Oh, well.

I call this whole mess The Unholy Trinity, because it is a sacrilege. I treat myself unkindly, but don't notice it, because it is so familiar or so in my blind-side. I treat others unkindly in the same way, but don't notice it, because they either 'deserve it,' or I make it OK to do so for some other reason. But when 'they' do it to Me, then I notice the unkindness, because it is in my face so blatantly.

Ultimately, this "Unholy Trinity" is the way through to discovering the Truth that has lain hidden from me, culminating in my Freedom, God's way of refining me. If I don't get the clue from being observant of my own behavior to myself, the volume is raised. If I don't get the clue from being observant of my own behavior to others, the volume goes up yet again…until I get it. "They" become more and more abusive, until I stop abusing myself.

Once I stop berating myself for behaviors I hadn't realized I was doing, I can forgive myself and course correct. And when I'm off my own back for behaving that way, then I will stop doing it to others, and get off their back for doing it to me. Then we can talk rationally about how we want to move forward.

I train others to treat me the way I treat myself. If I am loving of myself, and you are not loving to me, I will either move on, without rancor or hopelessness; or I will address your behavior out of curiosity – asking you, what happened? If I am not loving of myself, it's only a matter of time before you become unloving to me as well. In a weird way, if I'm not loving of myself, I can't abide you loving me, and I will do whatever it takes "to make you" not love me (so I can be comfortable in my unlovable-ness).

Bald Truth: I learn how I am treating myself by looking at how others are treating me.

(PS There are lots of other bald truths about others – this is just one.)