The Bald Truth – about me

Know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free. Simple. Not so easy.

Most people who know me would be aghast if I told them I was fundamentally shy. Growing up, I went to 10 different schools before I graduated from high school. I was always the outsider, the one who came to school after all the cliques were already bonded. And I was gone before I could make an impression. That was my truth. And my truth was compounded with each new school. (My father was an engineer, and we moved as he was moved to different projects or companies.)

While it is true that, in twelve years of required education, I went to 10 schools; the rest of those statements are conclusions or conjectures – beliefs that I formed around the facts of my childhood education. And there were more. I compared myself to all those others who looked and acted like they belonged there and had connections and history with everyone else – everyone else, but me, of course. And school after school confirmed my "outsider-ness" … my "un-belonging-ness." So I concluded it was best if I just skirted the perimeter, watched what was happening, not get too involved, because it was only a matter of time before I'd be gone.

Here's the shocker. Just for grins, I went to my 25th year high school reunion (so I was 42) with my long time friend, Susan Field. She hadn't gone to the same high school with me, but we had double-dated a couple of guys that were 2 years ahead of me at that school, and I figured she would be the only person I knew at the reunion. On one of the tables, they had several year books that featured the seniors from our graduating class. (I hadn't bought one the year we graduated.) As I was perusing the pages, I saw my senior picture, and … surprise, surprise … there was a whole list of activities in which I had been involved. I was stunned. So I looked through the other pictures and lists of activities; and even though I was at that school for less than 2 years, I had been in as many activities as those students that I had considered as "popular." Go figure. It didn't match my version of myself at all.

So I investigated further. All the activities were accurate, I just hadn't realized that I had gotten that involved. Then I noticed that I generally held some kind of position in each of the clubs/organizations – vice president, secretary, treasurer, etc … here's the kicker … but never the president. Aha! Since I was never at the top, that proved I was still walking the perimeter, and that meant I could keep my treasured version of myself. Relief!

Now why would I want to do that, why cling to a fantasy about myself that wasn't true?

Acid Truth: As long as I maintain a diminished version of myself, I can play a lower game – not hold myself accountable for the unique gifts and talents which I have been given, indulge my spiritual laziness – sit back and risk nothing. Corollary: as long as I maintain an exalted version of myself, I can pretend I am better than others, excusing inexcusable behavior; which, of course, reminds me of what a schmuck I am. And so it loops around again. Even my pretense of superiority is a cover for my pretense of inferiority, both being false versions of myself, not the Truth.

Owning the truth about myself seems to be a never-ending saga. The older I get, the more Truth I tell, the easier it is to be me – simply myself. Telling the truth frees me to be myself.

Bald Truth: Owning the full truth about myself (my strengths, as well as my challenges) without judgment, discerning the whole of me as OK just the way I am, while also being committed to refining my As-Is-ness to become More of Who I Am and contribute that to the bigger picture – that matters to me. I want to know that my life has been a part of the conscious evolution of this world. It starts with the conscious evolution of mySelf!

(PS  Going into large groups of people where I don't know anyone still has the potential for my mind to echo back to the first day in a new school. Now, however, I don't have to be taken over by it, I can step into the truth of who I am.)