Vulnerability and Relationships

It seems easier to me to be open, frank, and real with those with whom I have no investment in my future – people with whom I have nothing to lose, emotionally.  The harder it is for me to be open, frank, and real, the more vulnerable I feel. The more vulnerable I feel, the more it matters what 'they' think of me; and the less sure I am of my ability to cope with what happens.

Having worked with many couples, and having had long-term relationships that matter to me (including important friendships), it seems those relationships that are solid and deeply connecting are those relationships that weather the risks attached to being completely vulnerable – the risks attached to being completely open and real, nothing held back. In fact, that very vulnerability fuels the relationship, makes it vital and juicy.

In essence, they are willing to risk the relationship itself – the love between the two is so powerful, they would rather the other be happy, than to tie the other down out of fear. In my opinion, if two people are not willing to risk the relationship by disturbing the status quo with what is true NOW, then the relationship becomes a pretense – I'll pretend to be this way, if you'll pretend to be that way; that way, we can pretend our relationship is 'working.' It defies the notion of evolution and growth. And it robs both people of faith – faith in themselves, faith in each other, and faith in God/The Force/Universal Being. 

It's also a way to start relationships. Sharon Wall was a colleague I saw every day. We were cordial, friendly, socialized. Then one day, she stopped by my cube, propped her head on her hand on top of my half-wall and asked how I was doing. I looked her in the eye and said, feeling very feisty, "Do you Really want to know?" She said, "Yes, let's go to coffee." So we went, I told her how I was really feeling, she told me how she was really feeling, and we evolved a previously shallow relationship into a real friendship.

It's also how to lovingly morph a relationship from being together to being separate. I can think of two specific relationships which broke up, because they eventually wanted me to be more available, more like a traditional woman. Travel is part of my life, not something I am willing to give up, as it feeds me in lots of ways. I like being home, and I get itchy if I am home for 2 months.

How are you being vulnerable, or not, with people you most care about?