Vulnerable vs Weak
The dictionary defines "vulnerable" as "susceptible to
physical or emotional attack or harm."
Well, no wonder we avoid being vulnerable at all costs. We're not stupid. It
sounds painful – and the natural result of being weak. And yes, it has been painful –
many times.
I remember in college having powerful feelings of love for an archeology student … I was completely besotted. And I was deathly afraid of telling him,
because I didn’t want to risk the hurt I knew I would feel, if he didn’t feel
similarly. I knew I was vulnerable to being hurt by him. And so I didn’t risk,
kept my mouth shut, and physically got ill from swallowed feelings. I did not
trust that I could handle being hurt that badly. In the end, he never knew what I felt, and I got what I was afraid of. I always wondered what would have happened, if I had been open and real with him.
In reality, “vulnerable” is a Latin word meaning "wound-able." And
if I were to remember the countless times I felt wounded, I might also remember
that every single time I rebounded – I didn’t die – I rebounded – every single
time. At some level, I now know that, like the Phoenix, I will rise again – and again.
(It really does help to have that experience many times.)
Another relationship – many years later – we had broken up, and he wanted to
get back together. A friend of mine encouraged me not to re-engage with him, to
keep from getting hurt again. In one of my better decisions, I said, “I would
rather give it another go, risk the hurt, than to regret not knowing if we
could have made it.” We didn’t, but I have no regrets today. It was worth a
shot – I was worth a shot, he was worth a shot, we were worth a shot.
Today I feel much freer to risk being vulnerable, because I DO trust myself
to rise again – I have, hundreds of times. In actuality, being willing to be
vulnerable is a sign of great strength; great trust in myself to be ‘wound-able’
and then to handle whatever comes my way. I am Free To Be exactly who I
am – sooooo much easier than trying to protect myself from being hurt, perceived as
weak. It has been a lesson won the hard way, but of infinite value today … and
it’s such a grand adventure!
With whom have you been vulnerable lately?
PS The greatest risk is being vulnerable with those you love – the higher the potential for hurt, the higher the potential for a deeper love. Doesn't seem fair, but it is Life As IT Is!
Ah vulnerability …
how can I describe it???
a strange event happened last week.
I was asked to facilitate a group of a shattered group of engineers and project managers during 2 days…
towards the igniting of their once world class performance …
a highly politisised environmnet in a highly controversial and tearing set up…
I hesitated as I knew it would be gruelling …
amongst other irrational series of syncronicities…
and yet when I looked at a man’energy …
the one who approched me, at the request of the MD I said YES…
My strategy was to spend the first day shifting their thinking before engaging with vision and goals …
At some point I made a statement “Invest in your attitude for when you need it”
I gave an example of when I was hijacked at gun point…
How due to the many times I had invested in shifting my reactive, agressive, automatic behavior I was able to to stay firm while having guns poitned at my heart …
to become a broken record
“You can kill me… take my car but you will never take me with you …”
till eventually I was left unharmed, except for some bruises in my arm…
like fingerprints of a different kind…
as in that moment my memory took me back to a great african man called Papa …
Papa was a lawyer and executive in IBM where I worked, who due to a series of some strange series of syncronicities became my friend…
he even had come to see one of the houses I had renovated and we agreed that as soon as he moved out from the township I would assist him with rebuilding a home…
Soon afterwards Papa was hijacked and killed …
his body discarded into an empty field …
and yet in that moment of the hijack his memeory flashed back as if he was with me …
to watch my thoughts…
“God if my time has come let me die standing up… I don’t want my loved ones to find me… like Papa…”
I had not idea why Papa came to my awareness in this seminar and yet there he was …
as if present once again…
from places I had no idea…
and then came the hit …
as I was approached the next day, during a break, by the man who had asked me to run the seminar …
in his humble way he simply said …
“yesterday, I felt a hit in my heart … when you told the story about Papa …”
Papa??? I heard my whisper
yes …
Papa was my friend … we studied law together … he lived next to my house …
I took a deep breath … as if frozen on impact …
to hear my words …
Papa was an activist wasn’t he???
yes …
and his funeral was the biggest I have ever seen …
Ah …
I now know why I said YES … I eventually said…
I believe Papa wants us to work together …
to shift this destructive energy into a world of infinite possibilities …
to watch the miracles unfolding the next day …
one after the other …
as i stood …
mesmerised…
and yet Papa’s spirit has not left me …
breaking down into sobs on sunday …
in this knowingness …
we are never alone …
at one …
in the here and now …
and beyond …
a vulnerable and mysterious dance…
bringing me to my knees …
time and time again…
humm
a poem I wrote this morning…
in the vulnerability of old memories passing through…
“ah silence…
who is here???
crumbs …
of an old piece of bread …
staring at me…
where have you been???
forgive me …
I seemed to have forgotten you…
lost somewhere…
in non man’s land…
and yet …
there you are…
reborn…
with the face…
of a thousand butterflies …
I still feel you …
in my child’s …
little hand…
the one who believes …
we are never alone …
we are infinity …
ah…
how miraculous …
angels wings …
disguised …
as old crumbs …
and yet…
where do you go…
when I feel all alone???”
hummm
Isabel- reading your post about Papa transported me- here I am sitting a 200+ feet up in the sky, surrounded by glass and steel and humanity in the middle of downtown Houston, and it all disappeared. Usually happens as I sit wherever I sit reading Ann’s writings or yours or the others who have responded but today I’m writing. Maybe it is that I know you and see similarities in our ties to the corporate culture that is in some way a foreign land of often opposing forces- one that you have escaped and that I am still captured in, prisoner of my still unwillingness to unbind myself completely. I am called to something else and I haven’t yet leapt- somehow not trusting that my wings are fully formed. Your words call me to myself.
Dear Leslie,
How wonderful to hear from you …
I recall vividly your depth of caring and ability to tune in … not to mention your gentleness and healing presence…
As I read your words I hear a yearning to fly free and unencumbered …
touched by the freshness of its sincerity “ High in the sky, and yet …surrounded by glass and steel and humanity in the middle of downtown Houston, until it all disappeared. Usually happens as I sit wherever I sit reading Ann’s writings or yours or the others who have responded but today I’m writing.”
What if this is the guidance that you seek???
to start writing and sharing your uniqueness with the world… specially when you feel entrapped by a world gone cold …
as if inviting you to come out …
to be more of what you see …
no matter where you are…
ah Ghandi’s wisdom …
“Become the change you want to see in the world”
I would love to hear more of what you see… feel … smell …touch …
just as is …
trusting …
the power of your wings …
we both know …
have risen you …
time and time again …
beyond the unimaginable…
Ah…
the yearning …
when inside…
Gods’ river …
flows…
thank you for the reminder and for thinking of me and Papa…
with much love
Isabel