Free Will – Part 1

The other day Sylvia Hicks and I were talking about Free Will – the ability to choose behavior that lives in the light or behavior that lives in the dark. It started with an intellectual understanding that she was, at her core, loving and lovable. While she knows that is Reality, her stomach still tightened at the thought. At first, it was even difficult to say the words out loud and with conviction … even though she knows better.

I know that place. I distinctly remember the time when I was training with Brad Brown, and we were on our 10pm break (the training used to end at 2am). It was about my 5th time to be in the front of the room as a trainer. I was in the bathroom about to pee. In my head, the word STOP screamed. So I tightened up and listened … stop what? Then I heard these words clearly, "If you pee, you'll wet the bed. You are dreaming. This isn't real. It can't be real, cuz you haven't got what it takes to be a trainer, so this must be a dream, and you're about to wet the bed."

For the first time, I had a visceral grasp of schizophrenia. Truthfully, at that moment I was totally confused as to which 'reality' was the Real One. The only way I could think to test it was to pee. So I did. I didn't wet the bed. I wasn't dreaming. I really was training. I really was doing what I really wanted to do.

That's when I began to respect the immense power of the mind to ignore incoming data (Real Reality) that refutes the habitual/concocted reality – the one I made up (usually when I didn't know any better, and usually in a traumatic situation).

So … my choice – behavior that reflects Who I AM, or behavior that reflects my fictitious self, which eventually imprisons the real me – all out of my own spiritual stubbornness, my refusal to take responsibility for Who I AM, really!