Shoulds and Wants

Justin Cloete and his wife Michelle recently became the proud parents of Ruby Isabella, a tiny little heart-stealer. In the short time since Ruby's debut, Justin has already run into a long list of "Should's" – normal for new parents – OK, normal for Everybody at any time. He knew that "should" was a demand about how he 'should' be, about Ruby (and how she 'should' be) and about how it All Should Be. He knew better than to go down that rabbit trail. And his mind still captured him, while he bound himself tighter and tighter. Underneath it all, he just wanted to be the best dad possible for Ruby.

In the process of unwinding his 'shoulds,' he filled himself out again – unfettering his genuine love and his boundless faith in himself, in Ruby and Michelle and in how It All Really IS.

It reminded me of the time Rebecca (5 years old) came stumbling into my room at 3am asking if she could throw up in my bathroom. (She had her own bathroom.) I said, "Sure, of course." And in my head, I could hear the ancient list, "If you want to be a good mother, you should be holding her head, you need to wipe her brow, you must BE THERE for her." And there were more admonitions (have to, should, must, ought, and all their negative corollaries – shouldn't, etc.), there always are. I could feel the dread and the heavy reluctance in my body as I forced myself to roll out of bed.

Then I stopped. Wait! I WANT to be there for her. I WANT to hold her head. I WANT to be a good mother. I don't HAVE to be a good mother. I AM a good mother, and I WANT to be there for her. The switch that took place in me was outwardly minimal, inwardly 180-degrees. My heart was engaged, my compassion was flowing.

I am sure she would have felt the difference, even if my behavior had been exactly the same – the  different intentions underlying the same behavior would have leaked. They cannot NOT leak.

So as an old friend of mine once said, "Maybe it's time to stop "should'ing" on ourselves!"  What do you think?