The Spiritual Case for Eliminating Should from our Vocabulary, Part 1
"Should" (and all its cousins, "ought, must, need, have to") is a way to self-incarcerate. The "should edict" takes away my trust in my heart's integrity and my freedom to choose my way forward in each moment. And instead, it limits my choice to one – how I should be or what I should do. Should = Right.
Every day instances: I should answer the phone when it rings. I should clear all email messages every day. I should eat properly and exercise daily. I should be nice to everyone all the time. I should set proper boundaries. I should never wear ratty underwear (in case of an accident; heaven forbid someone should see it). I should tell the truth (unless it would hurt someone's feelings; in that case, I should definitely NOT tell the truth). And on it goes.
There is only one proper way to be, to behave, to feel, to think, to believe; and thousands of ways I shouldn't be, behave, feel, think, believe … according to the 'shoulds' of life. And how does someone else know how I should be? Am I made in God's image? Or in their image? Every culture has their own list, which, in some cases is vastly different from other cultures. So which one is the Right Should? And how do I Know it's the Right Should? Who Does Know?
Lots of people claim to know. But is their way going to be what frees me to my fullest potential? I don't know. They don't either … not really. Just because it works for them, doesn't mean it will fulfill me. I once asked a friend of mine, whose precepts limit the role women play in the world, how I would fit in his world. His reply was, "There is no place for you in our community." It works for them.
If I WANT to answer the phone when it rings, I can (or not), depending on the situation. Some days, I Want to wear ratty underwear – I'm just in the mood for it, and I'm willing to take my chances. If I WANT to be or do something, I can, or not. I'm free. Free to choose at that moment.
Bottom line: I can give up my freedom by caving in to the tyranny of 'shoulds,' capitulating responsibility for living the life God gave ME to live. I can rebel and live out the opposite of the 'shoulds' (which is every bit as imprisoning as caving in). Or I will live in Faith, responding to each moment as if it were a gift to which I can bring the best of me … and take my chances on the outcome; which, in effect, is how it really is anyway.
PS If I apply all my personal "shoulds" to others, then I am attempting to incarcerate them. And if they don't comply with my version of how they should be, then I get to be resentful and punitive – instead of curious about who they are and what part they will play in our world, and how we each affect the other's journey.
Thanks Ann for reminding me of the power of my thoughts and words. Just yesterday I found myself drowning in shoulds against my brother. He owns a condo in a town that I am visiting this week. The condo is empty as he is getting ready to sell it. My husband and I are bringing our dog(as our dog is ill) and we wanted to stay at his condo. Now, I knew that he might say yes and he might say no. It’s his condo. However when he said no(he doesn’t believe dogs should be inside homes)I became resistant and immediatly and went into my demand that he “should” be different. I had a list of 12 or 15 reasons why he should say yes and why he should be different. After an hour of raging and even getting my sisters on myside, I stopped. I did a clearing on the NO I had, made some choices and got into my humanity regarding my brother and his choices. And, as often happens when I got clear I found new possiblities and solutions that were actually much better in the long run. I became grateful for the lifeshock of the NO and put the “shoulds” back where they belong.