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The Spiritual Case for Eliminating Should from our Vocabulary, Part 2

Events that Shouldn't Have Happened

My sister shouldn't have died of von Recklinghausen's Disease. She was almost 24 years old. Her name was Susie, Mary Susan. My demand that she should have had a full life kept me stuck back in
May, 1970, as I watched her being wheeled through our foyer in a body bag. I had no preparation for such an experience. It was not something I had even imagined could happen, not in my family. While my life was happening the next day and the day after that, there was a part of me that hung back – despairing and impotent that I couldn't un-happen her death. Plainly, it shouldn't have happened, not in My Book – the gospel according to Ann Mc.

In retrospect, it's easy for me to see that hanging onto my insistence that Susie should not have died was in direct conflict with Real Reality. I was so intent on my version of how it should have been that I blocked memories. My block was so effective that, in a group therapy situation, when asked if I ever knew of anyone who had died, I said, "No." My mother was in the same group and started wailing. When she started wailing, I collapsed into a wash of dammed up tears. Those were my first tears for losing Susie – 8 years after her death.

Not wanting to admit that Susie died, all the time knowing that she did, was spiritually arrogant. In effect, being unwilling to live in the world of Reality, and instead, pretending that my version of the world was much better than the Real One. Like I said, spiritually arrogant … I'm a better God than the Real God. *I* know how It Should Be. If *I* were in charge, the world would be a better place – kinder, harmonious.

Except that, even though I have endlessly run for the office of Head of the Universe, I have yet to be elected. And things keep happening that I think 'shouldn't' happen. And I have freedom – I can choose to rail impotently about How It All Should Be (which changes absolutely nothing, but can perfect itself into a life-long victim drama), or I can bring the best of me to all things that happen and live in Faith – faith in myself and in my ability to deal with each moment, whatever it brings.