Late Night Musing – 4 November 2009

I feel pleasantly weary. Tonight several things happened. I inadvertently unleashed, at least partially, the 'black panther' in me. I felt very protective of a good friend of mine; who, in reality, absolutely does not need my protection. She is a highly competent, capable, evolved person … period.

In retrospect, I took a 'swipe' at someone I care about, who I thought was taking a 'swipe' at my friend. It was an instantaneous, knee-jerk reaction on my part. I keep thinking I have that part under control, and then I discover I don't.

Normally, I would now be taking a 'swipe' at myself … for "losing it." That reaction just reinforces taking 'swipes' – at whoever, for whatever reason. I don't want to take 'swipes' at anyone, including myself. So I didn't 'swipe' myself … this time.

Instead, I observed myself. On the one hand, I don't want to let go of that part of me that can defend myself and others, if necessary. On the other hand, I have never been in a situation in which my life, or the lives of others, depended on that kind of defense. In the past, good fortune and/or my intuition has guided me out of all circumstances that could have been injurious or fatal. For which I am grateful.

So I feel pleasantly weary … self-observation taking the sting out of missing the mark, seeing myself from a more holistic vantage point. In fact, seeing all of tonight's interactions from a more holistic vantage point. I see us becoming a stronger, more connected team, as we learn more about each other – appreciating our same-nesses and valuing our differences. It's a dance in which we sometimes step on each other's toes, as we learn how to partner. There's room in me for that learning.