My Way Home

Last week I had the great good fortune to talk with one of my soul sisters, Wendy Bouman in Durban, South Africa (I LOVE Skype)!  In the process of that conversation, she mentioned a difficulty she was having with someone who appeared to be emotionally needy much of the time.

I understood. There have been plenty of people who have triggered an instant aversion-response in me. Specific character traits have a fast-track to judgment in my book – neediness and its opposite, arrogance – figure prominently.

I call it the Unholy Trinity:

First, I judge myself. That judgment is usually something I would deny ever being (needy OR arrogant), because it is such an anathema to my picture of myself. I bury it as deeply as I can in my blind side, separating myself from the truth about myself.

Second, I judge others. Also silent (usually), but privately disparaging 'them' for being something I would never deign to be. This is one level up in awareness from my judgments on myself, but seeming to be righteous, separating myself from 'them.' Actually I despise 'them' for playing out my feared character traits right in front of me, while I'm trying desperately to deny any identification with them.

Third, I get judged by 'them' as being 'needy or arrogant' (or whatever my current lesson is). At this point, I can either deepen my denial, judging them for judging me, OR, I can track the character trait back to myself.

Example: I had a continuing issue with a woman whose arrogance knew no bounds. Everytime I was around her, she got up my nose. Tracking it through my own system, I acknowledged where, truthfully, I also felt arrogant, comparing myself to other people ("I may be bad, but at least I'm not THAT bad."). Tracking it further, I noticed where my arrogant, reactive self was belittling my essence, my child-like-ness ("You'll never be important to anyone.")

My big lesson – when I am forgiving of myself for being a human being, I am able to be forgiving of others for being human. When I am unforgiving of others for some character flaw, it is an opportunity for me to reclaim my humanity and make any course corrections that remedy that flaw in me.

PS I was not happy to discover that the people I felt repulsed by were actually mirroring me. And I am grateful to know they illuminate my way home. Check it out for yourself.