Christmas – 2009

I knew Rebecca, Troy, Hayleigh and Chase would be gone to Wisconsin this Christmas – sharing the holiday with Troy's family. So without the kids here, it didn't seem worth the effort to put up a tree and lights, get out all the Christmas wreaths, candles, hand towels, tree bows, and miscellaneous tchotchkes that go with the season. So I didn't do any of itl (I did buy and wrap gifts.)

As I look back on it, I see that I sank into a mini-depression – feeling listless, bored, at loose ends with nothing to do. I watched TV – whatever program came on, I watched it. The lifeshock (wake up) for me was when I came back from a short visit to the kitchen, and a very young Al Pacino was shooting a very young Robert De Niro. I didn't know who was the good/bad guy, or why they were shooting at each other. 

That's pathetic. Wasting my life doing something in which I have no investment, while I am actually split off somewhere else, and I don't know where. That's not just pathetic, it's scary.

Enough! Enough of being a somnambulist! Of finding ways to hibernate, waiting for the kids to come home (or whatever else I 'wait' for); as if I had no real part to play in my Now-life! What Could I be doing that would enrich my life, which is Now on offer with this 'empty' space of time? I usually have to schedule "empty' time.

Having done this at least a million times before, the answer comes readily. I can go inwardly receptive, instead of outwardly receptive. I can update my amazing bio-computer with the most current data – who am I NOW? What matters to me in my heart of hearts? How do I want to spend the rest of my life? Has it changed from the last time I checked in? Or has it tweaked slightly in the absence of my own presence to myself? I am honed by each moment of life, it's up to me to keep up – consciously.

Answering These questions is now my aim. And I am not bored.

PS  I'll still be glad when the kids come home! And I am totally committed to using this seasonal fallow time to ensure that Who I Am gets my full measure of attention and commitment. It's a gift of time I will not waste.