Being Good

Tonight I learned (or rather, re-learned) something from my grandson, now 4 years old. He's usually an easy go-to-sleep-er – eat, bathe, play with cars, brush teeth, get in bed, read a book – no problem. Not tonight. Tonight he was hyped up, wouldn't stay in bed, wouldn't settle down. He made promise after promise, which he broke time and again. As a consequence, I first took away his blankie (a normal consequence). No dice. Eventually I took away 10 of his (many) little cars. That worked. Finally! 

And then he broke my heart when he said, in a defeated little voice, "Grann, now I'll be good." He was in total capitulation. That was certainly not what I wanted. So we had a little chat. I told him I wasn't interested in him being good. I was interested in him keeping his word.

'Being good' is so subjective, open to different definitions at different times. It can be manipulative from both sides: my wanting him to do what I want him to do (which I call 'being good') or him caving in to 'being good' in order to get his cars back. Plus it gets into the whole sticky judgmental issue about what's good; and if it's not good, then it must be bad.

I don't see that 'being good' accomplishes the higher goals of personal authority and integrity. I want him to respect himself, to shape his character so that he brings out the best in himself. THAT I would call being good.

The fastest, most profound way I know to do that is to give my word and keep it; and the corollary, don't commit to anything I'm not going to do. The corollary was actually the hardest for me. It took away my automatic YES and required me to stay true to my priorities.