Rituals

Saturday I had the great good fortune to spend time with my family, as we gathered in Denton, TX to witness the college graduation ceremony of my niece, Amanda Neal. We then caravaned to a well known Mexican food restaurant (our family’s cuisine of choice) to celebrate her achievement more personally.

I watched the connections between 4 different generations, including me, my daughter, Rebecca and granddaughter, Hayleigh – pictured at left with Amanda’s mortarboard. Truthfully, it was a string of moments that reflected the best in the human spirit. I am proud to be a part of this particular family.

This occasion very firmly exhibited the flow of life – seasons – comings and goings – new people joining, by birth or by choice, others dropping away, by death or by decision – the mainstream continuing regardless, used to the ebb and flow of life as it changes form. I watched Hayleigh flirting with Patrick (Amanda’s brother, an actual fireman who could be in one of those fireman calendars – he’s single, girls); Zack, Amanda’s fiancee, looking proud; Noni, Amanda’s grandmother, being attended by Steve, her son (Amanda’s father) and Sammy, son-in-law, obviously loved by all; my sister, Patsy, glowing like the mother-of-the-bride, which she will be next summer; my sisters, Schatzi and Margaret, connecting and schmoozing with everyone; about 20 folks in all.

And of course, Amanda –

center-stage for this event, glowing, gracious, blooming into her own personhood. The whole event was like a chorus of Rebecca’s graduation several years ago, and even of my own graduation Many Years ago, and back into history it goes, preparing the way forward for Hayleigh and her progeny and their progeny. This rite of passage that marks some coming of age in each person’s journey.

I camped on Kubu Island in Makgadikigadi, one of the most remote places I have ever been. Even there, walking around the low, quasi-circular wall of stones and picking up remnants of ostrich shell beads, existed evidence of ancient rites of passage that seem obvious to the imagination. So these personal and tribal markers, most of which are attended by the family/community, seem imprinted in our psyches – important, sacred ceremonies marking the transition of some part of the life cycle.

That notion extended further to the ‘elders’ of the family/community…their role in preserving these rites of passage, making sure that these sacred junctures are memorialized in some way. That thought extended even further to the value of our elders (nice timing on my part, since the baby boomers are now the elders).  There is so much wisdom gained by having lived life for 6 or 7 decades – not in all cases, of course, but certainly for many.

I thought back to the time I was in graduate school, and our Family Therapy professor assigned the task of interviewing our own parents and grandparents and writing up as our final, the prevailing family myths, beliefs and patterns – which, of course, includes family rituals, like birthdays. Interesting. Oh, yeah, interesting! Producing that term paper was a revelation for me, and helped put my life into an historical perspective – seeing how the lives of both my grandmothers influenced me in a totally unconscious way. I could also see how those patterns repeated in my parents’ lives, and how that impacted their marriage and our nuclear family rituals – the conscious ones, as well as the ones adopted by default, without conscious choosing.

And then I thought, hmmmm, wonder what it would be like if we interviewed our forebears – what Are our historical family rituals – both the obvious ones that everyone recognizes, and the ones that everyone assumes are "just the way it is."  A good example is the story about the young wife who was cutting off both ends of a roast, and, just in passing, asked her mother why that was done. Her mother said that was how she was taught by her mom, and that she would ask her mom. So next visit, mother and granddaughter asked, "Why do we cut off both ends of the roast?" The elder said, "My pan was always too short for the roast, so I cut off both ends in order to cook the biggest part of the roast."

In my family, birthdays are a big deal – cake, presents, the whole thing. We wouldn’t think of not celebrating a birthday. We also have a ritual of hugging when arriving and leaving – no big deal, it’s just the way it is. No one thinks about it, it just happens. We also had a ritual that, during the big holiday dinners, adults sat at the Big Table, kids sat at a different table. It was another of those smaller rites of passage to graduate to the Big Table.

What rituals do you notice about your family?