Dealing with Not Being Heard (especially When I’m Right!)

This is a theme in my life – likely developed naturally as the eldest of eight children. At this stage of my life, I dislike using the word 'right.' And sometimes, it's accurate, as in "right on the money" or 'right-wise." Occasionally (OK, a little more often) that expression crosses over into "I'm right, you're wrong."

I was facilitating a conversation between two people, offering my expertise in designing an upcoming project. At one point, the project became more and more complicated with 'good' ideas. I recommended they not implement the last good idea. "No," they said; "it'll work; I've seen it work before." So I advised against it again, adding more intensity to my voice, and got the same push-back.

That's when I went from, "Hey, you're ignoring the expertise you asked for" to "Hey, I"m right, you're wrong!" Emotionally, I went from being alongside them to being apart from them. Fair enough, I said to myself; I tried, they didn't listen, they'll find out the hard way. I was grim-lipped.

Ah, yes, three conscious breaths (see post dated September 3) to un-grim the lips, followed by a fairly quick clearing (a truth-telling process from the More To Life Weekend). Two things I realized from my clearing: I didn't ask them to explain to themselves how they could fit in one more thing, and I didn't say, "here are the issues I see with that." The other part I hadn't noticed was that my feelings were hurt because they had asked for my opinion, then promptly discarded it without investigation – and my mind interpreted that to mean *I* was being discarded. Love me, love my opinions. If you don't love my opinions, then you don't love me. Well that seemed a bit extreme.

My learnings:
1. Sometimes people don't hear me, because I am speaking into their blind side – it may take several forays into their blind side for them to get it – and they still might not get it. Been there, done that.
2. Sometimes people hear me, and they don't agree. That does not mean I'm not heard. It only means we have a difference of opinion. Fair enough.
3. Sometimes people don't Want to hear me, period. Fair enough. Been there, done that.
4. Sometimes people don't want to hear me, because of my delivery method. Understandable.
5. Sometimes it takes a proven track record of being "right on the money" to gain credibility – which often requires compassionate observance of seeing others learn hard lessons, because they ignored what you said. That must have been what it was like for Brad Brown to have watched me learn the hard way, after ignoring his input.

All part of the journey – no matter who's talking and who's not listening.