Fear as an Addiction

In two separate conversations with Diana Makens and Leslie Irwin, the subject of being habituated to fear came up. The idea that fear can be a habit seems normal to me …now. In the same way that cocaine or diet pills can become something that we crave, that we have to have, our minds can become addicted to BEING a specific way.

When I was 40, as a third party to an intense conversation between Roy Whitten and someone else, he turned nonchalantly to me, put his hand on my arm and said, “Like Ann, here, living in fear most of her life.” That was a shock for me. I didn’t think I was living in fear. I didn’t Feel like I was living in fear. Other people looking at my life would never think I was fearful. But inside? I knew. Inside my body, something unraveled and tears spurted.

Yes, I was scared growing up – scared of not being responsible, scared of not being loved/liked/accepted, scared of not belonging ….and on and on. In response to my fear that I didn’t know was fear (I thought it was the Way It Is, normal), I developed an exterior layer of protection, acting like I was a “good person.”

That was a life-changing moment for me. It’s not that I was always scared and always pretending to be nice; but my fear had kept that wall of pretense up every time I felt out of place or unsure of myself in some way …an addictive way of behaving in uncertain situations. And uncertain situations happen frequently.

The gift of the moment was the revelation of the extent of my fear that I hadn’t even noticed. That’s when I started dismantling my addiction to fear.