Deserve

The intent behind that word is just plain smarmy to me. I have 'x-ed' it out of my vocabulary.

"I deserve to be left."
"He deserves to get a ticket." (one of my personal favs)
"She deserves everything bad."

"I deserve happiness."
"He deserves to be loved."
"She deserves a new car."

Who says? No one 'deserves' bad things to happen to them…no one. Who is really omnipotent enough to know that someone is worthy of punishment? When I get into my God, Jr. drama, I pontificate to all and sundry about who 'deserves' what. But it's still a farce. And when I do say that someone deserves any bad thing happening to them, it Is a prayer of evil.

Another really slimy thing about this word is that it smacks of entitlement. There is nothing I can do to 'deserve' happiness. It is a gift, always on offer, that I can claim. But it is not owed to me. It is given.

This realization dawned on me, when I was complaining that God owed me an easy life … I deserved it after working so hard to be so good. And it wasn't happening. My life wasn't as easy as it should have been, given all that I had sacrificed. (I was kinda making fun, and kinda not.) Yep, martyrdom – after 
all I've done for YOU – I deserve, you owe me. Yuck! Pitiful, based on resentment, icky. The victim drama Loves the word 'deserve' – it's a false bravado, covering a loser mentality. It implies that I am fundamentally not good enough to claim my birthright, that I have to prove my worthiness. Once my worthiness has been proved, then i will deserve my happiness. And all along, it was there to claim, without having to prove anything to anybody.

The ability to know what I want in my heart, to create it in my life, and to enjoy that whole process is the high price paid for sitting on my duff, pretending I am owed.

Other than that, it's a good word.