The Chance to Dance
Today I got an email from someone saying that the reason s/he left the More To Life Weekend was because I used the word "retard" on Saturday afternoon. I was referring to a family joke – in My family … not to a group of people. And if I had to do it all over again, I would choose more accurate words – a learning for me, for which I am appreciative. AND, one word out of a Volume of words? I never promised perfection, I promised being real as a human being. I make mistakes. If you tell me about them, then you
get a chance to speak up, I get a chance to course correct, and WE get a chance to dance in real time.
Do I think that was really the issue? No. If that were the real issue, s/he would more likely just say s/he was offended by that word At That Time. Then we'd clear it up, life would move on. Instead, s/he left the course – no chance to dance in real time. But at least s/he sent an email. The rest of the email was very acknowledging of all that went on in the group, and how much s/he had learned in the amount of time s/he was there.
So what's the real issue? I don't know! But I would bet that the Real issue is still protected, still buried under obfuscation. Will Life leave it alone? Not a prayer! The dance is delayed, that's all.
I remember telling this one boyfriend that we were through, because I didn't like the way he was at this party. I gave him no chance to tell his side of the story. In later years, I regretted not clearing the air, not giving him an opportunity to dialogue about it. In retrospect, I should have known something was 'out' – especially since that was quite an overreaction to a fairly innocuous situation. What was really in operation was my fear of losing my identity in the relationship. He really mattered to me, and I was Really afraid that, over time, I would capitulate little by little, until the "I" that I am didn't exist anymore. (Of course, I had reference points for that fear.)
So instead of addressing what my real fear was, I opted to ditch the opportunity to find out … which of course cost me that relationship … and another one. AND, the chance to dance is always on offer.
Ah, I’ve been learning some of that lesson. Interestingly, in a new romantic relationship where the man has a very different world view than mine, in particular politics. He sees the world in very black and white terms and can be critical of people who don’t fit in his standards while nearly everything is gray to me and I give people lots of leeway (although, I hope, not in an unhealthy way).
ANYWAY, my point is that I find myself much more tolerant of his very different and sometimes unsettling to me (of course, WHY are they unsettling to me??) views. Yet somehow, my identity isn’t tied up in that. Where 10 years ago, I would have cut him loose in a minute, I decided to delve deeper to see what I could see, my identity could tolerate that. I see now that there is a lot of hurt at bottom of his critical-ness, he is reflecting some childhood hurts from a very unloving, critical Dad. I can stand with that and reflect back at him what he’s saying. Which is something new and eye opening for him I think.
It’s a very odd feeling, but so good.
“When you say something to someone, he may not accept it, but do not try to make him understand it intellectually. Do not argue with him; just listen to his objections until he himself finds something wrong with them. This is very interesting. Try not to force your idea on someone, but rather think about it with him. If you feel you have won the discussion, that also is the wrong attitude. Try not to win the argument; just listen to it; but it is also wrong to behave as if you had lost. Usually when we say something, we are apt to try to sell our teaching or force our idea. But there should be no special purpose in speaking or listening. Sometimes we listen, sometimes we talk; that is all.”
-Suzuki