Everyday Autism

When I was in college, I became fascinated by autism. So much so that one semester I volunteered at a school that specialized in working with autistic children. I looked forward to that one afternoon a week that I got to spend observing these kids playing, taking notes, talking with the therapists afterward.

I thought about them a lot during the week – how they looked normal, and yet repeated specific, idiopathic behaviors (perseveration); lacked interactive skills; and rarely made eye contact.

I understood them, felt connected to them. One day, I sat down and listed all the ways I was drawn to these kids. So I started thinking about how I looked normal, and yet, there were specific behaviors that I repeated over and over, that I didn't want to do … and at times, couldn't stop myself. For instance, at fraternity parties, I would hang around the fringes, at some level unable to see how I belonged there. So I smoked and tried to look cool, pretending that I was bored. Actually I was scared I didn't fit in, so I acted like I didn't care. Same pattern of behavior as the autistic kids – repeated, idiopathic behavior; lack of interactive skills; rarely made eye contact.

No wonder I was fascinated by them. They are an exaggerated version of myself … and sometimes not so exaggerated. Others observe my behavior, but I can't see it for myself because I am caught by it – perseverating behavior that locks me into my own world and separates me from others. And my guess is that it usually happens when I can't make sense out of the exterior world – people say or do things that I don't understand, so I retreat into MY world, where things are the way they are 'supposed to be.'

Yes, I empathize. My autistic part is not as obvious, but it's there. How about you?