The Gift/Toxicity of Shame

Naphtali Mandelberg (South Africa) and I had an exchange recently about 'shame" – the use and misuse of it in the human psyche. 

It seems to me that shame has two distinct qualities – one reconfirms the truth and reclaims our innate goodness. The other reconfirms our belief in our unworthiness and sinks us lower into our self-indulgence.

One of my shameful behaviors was promising to take Rebecca (about 9 years old) early to her softball game, so she could warm up as the pitcher for that day – a slot she had been vying for. I could have ended my meeting on time, but I didn't watch the clock, arriving too late for Rebecca to warm up. She didn't get to pitch that day, nor any day thereafter – closing a meaningful opportunity for her in exchange for my self-indulgence. Bottom line, I behaved as if my meeting were more important than her chance to shine. And truthfully, that meeting was not important, I was just enjoying myself and the group.

My toxic shame was born of this mindtalk: I'm a bad mother, I only care about myself, I told her I'd be there, and I wasn't, so I can't be counted on, I'm irresponsible, she deserves a better mother, etc. The upside of wallowing in this kind of mindtalk is that, if I were to believe all that, it absolves me of irresponsible behavior in the future. What can anyone expect of someone who's essentially a bad mother?

Fortunately, via the Clearing Process (taught in the More To Life Weekend), I was able to look at the above mindtalk and tell the truth – the truth about how much I care about Rebecca and what matters to her. I felt the holy side of shame for having betrayed my true priorities. Holy Shame (or it's milder sibling "Holy Embarrassment" and even milder cousin "Holy Chagrin") served to re-double my intention to act within my true value system, to take full responsibility for the quality of my life and for my relationship with Rebecca – including more discernment about what commitments I could realistically keep and which I couldn't.

Holy Shame is like the fire that burns away the dross, reveals the indestructible core, and calls us to live our higher self.