Our One True Job in Life
Last Sunday, I did a webinar on Boundaries – 56 people from 5 different countries. One woman asked how to address someone not keeping their word. In her case, the other person made a unilateral decision that adversely affected her, when she had no input into his change of mind.
I’m sure you can relate. It happens regularly – by people and by life. Wasbands (former husbands) reneging on childcare, parents dying unexpectedly, Hurricane Harvey – things happening that I did not agree to, did not want. I recommend a meltdown – very cathartic actually! Then it’s time to redirect our lives to address the new reality.
I learned a huge lesson from these “catastrophes.” I have absolutely NO CONTROL over the actions of others/Life – NONE!! However devastating this was (and is) to my illusion of sovereignty, it was immensely freeing to me in another way – my ability to create work-arounds/solutions, even adjusting to new/unasked-for circumstances in a way that brought the best in me forward – exposing new facets of myself, deeper personal respect, trust in my ability to address whatever life brings, limitless curiosity, and boundless love for myself and others.
I got it. My one true job in life? Live in a way that honors my unique spiritual fingerprint, that respects my destiny as it unfolds around me, and to allow love in and out, like my breath.
PS And sometimes it takes a meltdown to get back into alignment with each new reality that I didn’t ask for.
Dear Ann!
This is the work I’ve been doing over the last year or so.
For the last six years, I’ve been growing in my sobriety.
I’ve put down the booze, the weed, the sexual irresponsibility, even the tangible aspects of an eating disorder. And the meds are doing their job with the bipolar.
And so I found that recovery from addiction has become much more about the behaving courageously.
I have been focusing on my codependent behaviours. The enmeshment with family. The saying yes when my gut was whispering no.
The realisation that I am powerless over the behaviour of others but not over my own behaviour has given me much serenity. And I’ve noticed that where people have crossed my boundaries, there is often some way that I have not protected myself. Not always though.
As a mutual teacher of ours told me while on an intensive course once:
“Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do, is to tell somebody to fuck off!”
It’s ok to protect myself. That’s my responsibility as an adult.
I’ve noticed that my healing from codependency is all about boundaries.
It’s a journey.
Peace and love, Ikram
I am grateful you recommend a break down. Two days ago I was flying for the first time in a long while and I am scared of flying. I had a total hand/arm wringing tearful (but quiet) meltdown as the plane left the ground. It gave me the opportunity to feel deeply, see my mindtalk loud and clear, and soothe myself with the life giving truth. I also noticed the desire to share it/mediate it with connection to my partner who wasn’t there, and the little twinge of blame I had about him letting me travel alone (he didn’t even ask me about the people I was going to meet!) Then I felt my own courage in a way that I wouldn’t normally have access to and that perspective was useful immediately in other areas of my life that I was holding fear. Yay for the good old honest and true breakdown!
I very much appreciate your words supporting the benefits of a meltdown. I think I denied myself one of those a few months back, and that might be the missing step in getting to my next step.
Dear Ann,
I love your wisdom!! ‘Live in a way that honors my unique spiritual ‘fingerprint’, that respects my destiny as it unfolds around me, and to allow love in and out, like my breath’ !!! WOW!
Hugs, Linda