3 August 08
This afternoon, I remembered a "Truth" that rolled out of my heart when processing an incident from some time ago, in which I felt trapped, as if I had to do something I didn’t want to do, or be something I am not. I don’t remember the specifics of that particular time, but I do know the struggle to be free – another of these recurring themes in my life. The struggle is on many fronts – my internal struggle against my own invisible prison bars (accusations and unrealistic expectations), my struggle with my family myths (eldest of 8, yada yada), and my struggle with the myths of gender, the southwestern culture (which isn’t as restrictive as other parts of the world), the baby boomer mindset, and the time in history in which I am living. All of these contexts have a part to play in my life. None of them determine the quality of my life.
What brought it up today was the fleeting thought that "I have to cater to XYZ’s misperceptions about me … I have to be extra careful not to be misinterpreted." In my younger years, that thought would have hung in my mind and directed my behavior, completely without volition. Today it brought a faint smile of recognition, a knowing that I have absolutely no control over another’s perception about me. In truth, it is none of my business. That is their business. My business is living my life as true to mySELF as I can, trusting the honing process that keeps whittling me down to a refined distillation of my essence.
Today was a ‘good hair’ day, one in which I was resilient and creative. Tomorrow, however, is another day. Maybe tomorrow, that same thought, that same struggle will be about something in which I am much more invested in a specific outcome, or maybe I won’t have slept well, or I’m hungry, angry, lonely, tired (H.A.L.T.), as William Holt says. Maybe tomorrow will be a ‘bad hair’ day – when nothing goes ‘right.’
If that were to be the case, then I still have my Truth that I wrote some time ago, from my personal liturgy, that awaits my rediscovery, and thence my reemergence into possibility and creativity. It’s only a matter of time, before I remember.
Here’s one of my fundamental Truths that started with anguish and ended with clarity:
"My destiny is not in the hands of others, ALL have a hand in my destiny."
That truth speaks to a core in me. What truths are YOUR truths that speak to the core of YOU?
ah the power of truth …
that which we seek is seeking us return…
reminding me of a very puzzling experince I had yesterday …
about a posting I finally did on a blog of a very famous person .. where I felt imtimidated as much as fascinated …
hesitating … as after all what do I know about the theories of strings and blackholes ???
trapped by my mind talk for a while … by the “what if’s” …
I might be judged as profoundly ignorant … a fool … a no good to listen to … bla bla bla …
you know the drill … does not stop until we choose to “stop” all the lies and don’t knows and jump in… trusting the light within … calling us to show up … knowing that each of us has got something unique to offer … as each of us has a Gods dream shining forth …just as we are …
and this is what showed up … and was posted … grateful for how much I have grown by trusting the inner flow …
hope you enjoy it for what it is…
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Dear …
Almost wrote
Dear Archimedes …
a cross over of some kind …
as if captured by an Archimedes string passing by …
specially …
in the little that I know …
except that I love flying…
which I do often in my dreams…
oh yes …
my dream a few nights earlier…
..
flying at an exceptionally high speed … around a string with a resonance I know well – the power of the desert .. where I was asked to help a child dying of thirst ……
at times coming down literally like a rocket …
wondering whether I was in danger of crushing down …
to find myself turning and twisting in a protected area as practice for the mastering of skills…
aware of my fear to fly above the ocean and over high mountains … where I would have no guarantees …
After reading your post I felt curious …
…
Then I dreamt of being somewhere in space and hearing the words “Focus intently on this resonance … a divine call – seeking itself – in unity …
I did not really know what it meant … but decided to read about the different theories highlighted in your posting … to realize how paradoxical they become …
as if offering pieces of a puzzle .. that keeps escaping human comprehension …
like divine seeds… unfolding in different shapes, forms and possibilities…
depending on the lenses we use and the voltage we tap into …
I felt asleep this afternoon and heard a voice saying “Follow the string …”
oh I loved reading about the strings … symbolically seen as spiritual threads binding together all of existence like the threads of a necklace binding together all the pearls …
I felt enriched by the imagery of seeing everything being connected as strings of a guitar floating in space.. Playing different musical notes … where I can hear “Gods” symphony … here on earth ..
pulled by particles that transmit forces while others make up matter …
how exquisite …
as above .. so below …
where nothing is ever wasted …
oh yes .. the concept of the black hole …
created by the gravitational collapse of large stars as they burn all of its hydrogen …
with a gravitational power so strong light cannot escape …
and yet …
as I understood it, at some point a particle gets tossed out into its opposite direction and a new star is born …
I know that this is a child‘s play and yet it offered me glimpses of a universal wisdom seeking itself in unity – a voice of hope …
and here comes a divine joke …
As I turned and twisted my brains trying to make some sense of these very complex scientific theories I received an unexpected email from someone who led me to Saibaba Ashram a few years ago…
Subject: FW: FROM PUTTAPARTHI…WITH THE AUSTRALIANS !!!
A group of six devotees had come to have darshan of Swami from Australia. Swami called them for a private interview.
During the normal course of the talk, Swami looked at one of the devotees and asked —
“Why did you come now? Your mother is not well. She needs you there back in Australia”.
He replied saying– “Yes Baba, I called home yesterday night and this news was conveyed to me. I pray for her early recovery.”
Baba replied —
“Go home soon. She is asking for you. In fact go home now.”
So saying, Baba created a map of the world with the wave of the hand. He spread it on the wall and the following conversation took place: —
BABA : “Where is Australia in this map?”
Devotee: “Here, Baba.” (Pointing to the map).
Baba touched it and the world map changed into an Australian map!!!
BABA : “Where in Australia do you say?”
Devotee: “New South Wales, Baba.” (Pointing to the map).
Baba touched it and the Australian map changed into the map of New South Wales.
BABA : “Where in New South Wales do you say?”
When the devotee mentioned the place, Baba touched it and the chart changed to show all the apartments in the area.
Then Baba touched the house in which the man was staying and lo! the wall of the interview room became the door of the devotee’s home. Baba opened
the door and showed the man his mother sleeping on the sofa. Baba called the man and asked him to go in and closed the door. He rubbed his hands on the
door and the door became the wall of the interview room again!
Later when the Australians came out of the interview room, only five came out instead of the six who went in. The students of Prashanthi Nilayam campus saw this & later they called back the man who was sent to Australia, an hour later, who confirmed his ‘ safe arrival’!!!
Baba said that —
“Time and space exist only in the worldly plane. In the divine plane there is no time and space. I can easily cross time and space as and when I want to. That experience of the Australian crossing space to reach Australia from the interview room was my leela to show you that it is possible for me
to do that if necessary. Time and space hold no barrier for GOD.”
I find the syncronicity hilarious …
and yet I feel stunned by the impact that in following the string I am able to see how inside of me lives a Jesus, a Buddha, a Mohammed, a Saibaba and every saint that ever lived … as much as a Hitler, a Idi Amin and every dark force on earth …
A reflection on duality…
the formless permeating all of creation…
like invisible strings … seeking to be manifested into new shapes and forms…
where I hear the plea of desert mystical children …
wanting to dissolve …
into unity and wholeness…
through the black hole …
in consciousness with the poles of duality …
the harmonizing factor and essential component
vibrating at the high level of speed …
like strings of Gods symphony …
connecting us all …
through the alchemical power of so called “mystical love” …
Ahhhhhhh…
the perfume …
following me …
whereever I am …
Thank you for the reminder …
And now…reading the New Earth by Eckhart Tolle…I’m reminded of the 2 states of being Ann refers to.
It is the most fascinating, yet frustrating feeling…when I find myself irritated and upset…then when I do a process of viewing what the truth is- I find that “my thoughts created the irritation”. How unfair! I want it to be “their fault”. I sometimes stubbornly want to stay in the state of “non-well being” so that I can continue to berate “them”, and blame them, and judge/ put down…Whew!
Well…I guess there are no shortcuts to self mastery. The choice is always a thought away.
Thank you Ann for sharing so openly about your life.
My best so far was the “Faithing”…most profound.