Anger and Power

Today was a ‘good hair’ day, until someone unjustly accused me of something I didn’t do. GRRRRRRRR

In the old days, if I had gone to ‘war’ about it, I would have met their fire with More Fire, or I would have been like a glacier, imagining them crumbling into little pieces as I slowly and relentlessly rolled over them – while not appearing to do either. Ah yes, I was good – acting like an evolved and enlightened being. Mostly. Except for my cold anger that leaked out in dribs and drabs, and my hot anger that occasionally flared out – which scared everyone, especially me.

Burying all that fire didn’t work either, culminating in a half-lived life, smothered, marginalized, and maintained by a constant, low-grade anxiety that all that negativity would eventually gush out and destroy all that I cared about. That fear was enough to squash my inherent power. I had confused anger and power.

Mind you, that kind of fear wasn’t something that I thought about every day, nor was I aware of the extent to which I regarded myself as a potential Hitler. None of this was conscious. However, it WAS governing my behavior. My bottom line belief was that, "if God didn’t stop Hitler, why would I think God would stop me? So I was going to have to stop myself. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. If I have no power, then I won’t be corrupt."

What unlocked all of this for me was Brad Brown saying, "I don’t know what happened to you growing up, but you have abdicated your power." Gulp! My immediate response to him was the sting of tears in my eyes and a shot of energy up my backbone. This was August, 1982 – I remember exactly where I was sitting and where he was standing. A few minutes later, the group of us in the More to Life Weekend, were introduced to a process called the Disavowal/Avowal. That one process turned my life around about power. At the end, I was physically tired and energized at the same time, but I was also FREE. It may possibly be one of the most important hours of my life.

Since then, I discovered another belief I had about anger, which is that "anger is powerful, scared is weak," so I would rather be angry/powerful than scared/weak. So all those years of anger (covert and overt) were really a cover for being scared. I didn’t like being scared, and as a kid, I was often scared – of not being good enough, not being loved, etc.

A paradox I ran into about my anger was: if I blow my anger out at others, I’m irresponsible for my actions; if I swallow my anger down, I’m irresponsible to my body (mega stress = dis-ease) … a no win situation, no matter what I do. Also in this training, I learned how to transform my anger and how to siphon it off responsibly – to express (press out) the anger without sliming someone else.  Everybody has been relieved that I did this course! 🙂

A truth I learned is that the extent of my anger is in direct proportion to my demand that IT be different. The degree of difference between what I have and what I want will be the same degree of my anger (or sadness, hurt, fear, etc.). The corollary is also true.

Back to what happened today. I did not want my integrity questioned. It was questioned…by someone I admire (who was having a bad hair moment). My knee jerk reaction was to stop breathing, harden my heart, square my jaw, squint my eyes – all familiar signs – war signs.  After practicing all these years to live my full power, and at the same time, take full responsibility for my actions – full power and full responsibility – I withdrew from the fray, exhaled, exhaled again (which required an inhale), gathered myself back home, waited till the person wound down; then with very little heat (I could have used a few more exhales), I said what I wanted. Later, I did a "No Process" to siphon off any remaining anger (otherwise, it just waits in my system and exacerbates my next piss off).

In retrospect, I see that Life/God/The Force was honing me yet again, refining my ability to love unconditionally – both myself and the other person – to be responsible for the fullness of my power to be wise, real and loving. I didn’t hit the bull’s eye this time, but I came close. And if that situation were to happen again tomorrow, I have now imagined how I would behave just a bit differently, so that I would hit the bull’s eye. I suspect I’ll get another opportunity sooner or later. What do you think?