More about the 3 lenses – the interpersonal lens

I have spent the last 4 days in the company of Mexicans – being here in Mexico City. I have been quite struck by the power of interpersonal connections exhibited by almost everyone here – no matter if the person is a long-time friend or a perfect stranger.

The other day, William and Adriana Holt and I were in a taxi. Adriana was giving instructions to the driver, in Spanish, of course. I was struggling to follow the conversation, in the attempt to improve (or rather increase) my beginner's command of the language. Then Adriana sat back and dug in her purse for a box of mints, which she offered to William (in the front seat) and then to the driver … without so much as a second thought. It was a natural extension of her awareness of the 'other' – and he didn't seem to think anything about it either, as he took a mint.

A similar thing happened later that day. A woman who serves morning beverages from a cart, saw Adriana at the back of a very full elevator, practically leaped over the cart and another person to hug Adriana's neck – no separation of station. It's like that with almost everyone here…the 'being' is seen and acknowledged.

A person from another country and I were talking about the Mexican culture. This person laughingly said, "Yeah, it takes an hour for everyone to kiss and hug each other every morning." And it seems to be the same thing in reverse in the evening. Men – women – makes no difference.

Naturally, being curious, I was wondering what the downside of this kind of connection might be – cuz it looks so warm and engaging on the surface. Looking into my own life, when I have experienced that kind of easy intimacy, I found a downside.

The downside for me is that I avoid disturbing the easy intimacy. If I have a request or want to share about something that I think the other person might not like or will judge, I keep it to myself in order to preserve the stability of the relationship. Similarly if I see something that might serve the other person's growth, and if I think it will be hard for them to hear, I keep it to myself. Bottom line, keeping my mouth shut automatically downgrades our level of intimacy; because they are no longer privvy to my deeper self, only having access to that which I deem to be 'safe.'

So the quality of interpersonal relationships depends on my willingness to be vulnerable (more about vulnerability later). And my willingness to be vulnerable – in ANY given situation – is dependent upon my trust in myself to be present to whatever happens.

Again, it's my choice – dive into the deep water by revealing myself, thereby risking that the relationship will drown in some revelation – or keep my relationships at the shallow end of the pool, where we can all stand easily, not really risking deeper waters.

Some relationships are just fine right where they are. I've regretted others that I kept in the shallow end of the pool..I was stuck playing the part I thought they would approve. I have never regretted risking one – even if it foundered, because at least I knew what would have sunk the relationship sooner or later anyway.