Dark Night of the Soul

I knew my friend Kirsten Johnson was waging a spiritual battle, because our scheduled conversations were being postponed, time after time … unusual behavior for her. We finally got some time together over the phone. Sure enough, her world had collapsed around her, and she had all her good reasons why her life was bleak and hopeless. Nothing she was doing was working.

Once she ran through the tightly woven matrix of lies and wrestled her beliefs back into the light of day (thank goodness for the Clearing Process – MTL program), she could see some realistic ways forward for herself. This is a pic of Kirsten wrestling a stuffed boar in play. However, in the middle of one of these dark nights of the soul, it feels more like a real live, wild boar. And the struggle is consuming – as imperative as life or death.

At one point, Kirsten was under an attack of such  harsh judgments of herself, that it didn't look as if she would move through it. 

I know that place. About three years ago, I was just waiting … waiting for the end of my life. I was done, shut down in every way but physically (and I was very ill at the time). All the times for which I felt remorse came to mind – moments I hadn't thought of in decades, as well as events that were more current. In the process of letting go of my life, I let go of my remorse, seeing my life from a helicopter view. I felt peace  – of mind and body. I was ready. I really thought I was going to die. And, in a way, I did. I let go of my life as it had been and stepped into a less edited version of myself. I felt forgiven for my sins and cleared to participate fully – just for the privilege of participating. No guarantees, none needed – curiosity on 'high.'

Having been through a few of these dark passages, I am aware of the cycle of rebirth. In the same way that physical birth is an emergence from dark and tight to light and free, so are there spiritual rebirths – just as painful, just as sacred as life/death. And it seems that my biggest breakthroughs follow the darkest times. And sometimes during those dark times, I even remember that.