Making More Love

I've had several therapy sessions lately from which emerged an ancient theme – men and women hold divergent views regarding the intimate act of making love.  Well, duh! And yet, in significant relationships, that theme can be forgotten. If both genders remembered the other point of view, their relationships might go a little more smoothly.

The sexual bond seems to be formed from two different frames of reference. In general, men bond with the woman with whom they make love (different from having sex). The more they make love to a specific partner, the more bonded they feel. In general, women bond first (fall in love), and making love is a gift that is offered from that space of being loved.

So guys, if you want to make love more often, make sure your significant other knows she is loved. And if you want her to know she's loved, discover the ways that tell her that – her ways, not necessarily yours. For some, it's words of affirmation/praise (unsolicited compliments), for others it can be receiving gifts, or acts of service (unloading the dishwasher, taking care of the car), or physical touch, or spending quality time together (undivided attention). And who knows how many other ways there are to express love. Find hers.

There is a book, The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, that details those mentioned above. It's worth a read – maybe even reading it together, letting the book facilitate your exploration of each other's love language.

And gals, if you want to deepen your bond with your significant other, make love to him. Look for the ways he is expressing his love for you – which may not be your way. Communicating what makes it easy for you to feel loved could be transformative for both of you. Knowing that he wants to make love to you IS an expression of his love for you. And of course, it's also helpful to know what his love language is.

What makes it easy for me to love is to be told the truth – the whole, unvarnished Truth (complete with feelings, of course).