BEing True to Others

Here's what I've learned in the past 6 decades. If I'm not willing to tell the truth because I'm afraid I will risk losing the relationship, I won't be real .. and I get swallowed up by the relationship. At that point the relationship isn't really with me anymore, it's with the Not-Me or the Fake Me or the Me I Think They Want Me To Be. If the relationship means more to me than being real in the relationship, then the relationship is doomed to die eventually. If I lose me in the relationship, they lose me too.

So I have learned to say what I mean and mean what I say, whether it's with my family, my peers, or as a consultant/coach/therapist. In some contexts, I get paid to tell the truth. In all contexts, I intend to tell the truth. It's the avenue for real connection. Truth isn't just facts, it's facts plus compassion.

Setting and maintaining appropriate boundaries is an art form, requiring truth from all sides. I have loved an alcoholic. Once I was willing to risk the relationship, I was clear with him about loving him, not telling him anything relevant in my life when he drank, and leaving if he turned abusive. I kept my word with him. He did test me. I held true – to him and to me. If I don't respect myself, neither will the other person respect me. If I don't respect the other person, I can easily treat them in such unkind ways that I turn into someone I don't respect.

Being true to myself and being true to others can also be a nail-biter (risking the relationship), requiring the same courage and faith as following my heart - whether beginning, changing or ending a relationship.